Friday, November 08, 2013
Everybody Have Fun Tonight! Everybody Wang Chun Tonight!
Does anybody know a good party planner? A really good one who's willing to work online. I'd look for a local party-planner but I need to plan a pity party, and a local Cleveland-area party-planner would probably allow their own yeah-I-live-in-Cleveland self-pity influence his or her choices for MY party. See, that's the thing about a pity party. You don't wanna be bothered trying to dredge up pity or empathy for SOMEBODY ELSE! This is MY pity party. The focus needs to be on me. All of the focus. Only on me. Besides, if you started telling some bullshit story, real or imagined, to try and elicit sympathy from me or to draw attention away from my plight and onto yours, I GUARANTEE I can top whatever story you come up with. Complete with x-rays to back it up. Don't even try. You'll be pitied... For all the wrong reasons.
The party planner will have to have some decent connections to make this party a success. For instance, sourcing the Coke. It has to be really good shit. None of that Coke cut with powders like aspartame. In fact, for a really good buzz you gotta get the Coke from the Mexican Coke dealers. It's not that hard to get it into the country. It has a reputation for being some of the best Coke out there. It's the real deal, made with real sugar. No high fructose corn syrup. Not in the good Coke. And none of that "gold" Coke, either; that stuff with no caffeine in it is pointless. Especially the Diet Caffeine Free Coke. WTF is that, anyway? No caffeine, no sugar? Where is the love, baby?
If you can't find good Mexican Coke, try and score some Throwback Pepsi which also has real sugar. But it's bottled in America and just not quite as good as the Mexican shit.
For food, there MUST be chocolate. And cupcakes. In fact, you really can't go wrong with chocolate cupcakes. Balanced by something salty, like Ruffles potato chips with California French Onion Dip. Yeah, that crap you make with a packet of Lipton onion soup mix and a pint of full-fat sour cream. You might be able to get by with a good low-fat sour cream. But try sneaking some of that dip made with yogurt past me and you'll be planning your own pity party. The same goes for baked potato chips. Those are not potato chips, they are potato snacks made from potato powder. Why do you think they're all the same shape and size and come in a can? Yeah, you probably think McNuggets are real parts of a chicken, with real chicken meat. Maybe you SHOULD be pitied. But not at my party. Seriously, don't try and pull that shit on me.
Following are the information essentials a good party planner will find a way to share with the guests:
Dress code - definitely needs to be casual. Not casual like Casual Friday and you work at the freakin' White House so wingtips but no tie. Casual like t-shirts with rock stars or profound sayings on them or, even better, t-shirts with profound witticisms spoken by rock stars. From a tour at least five years ago or before the lead guitarist OD'd, whichever came first. No long pants. Just shorts. Casual like gym or hiking shorts, not the Bermuda shorts with the knife-sharp crease down the legs your mom irons for you. Docker shorts are fine IF they are appropriately faded and washed out, bonus if they are frayed. No cut-off jeans. It is, after all, a respectable party for grown-ups. Women can wear a tee without profound sayings but they must not have animals on them. Exception, an alligator over the left breast is acceptable. As is a bear in the case of an authentic Boston Bruins tee. But not cutesy cat shit, or dogs in stupid outfits. Those animals would be pitied more than me and they should have their own damn party.
Footwear- the preferred footwear is sneakers with or without white socks. White ankle socks. No peds with cute little balls hanging off he back. That goes for the ladies, too. No tube socks leftover from the Jimmy Carter era. Jimmy Carter is a wonderful man who doesn't get the credit or respect he deserves for his presidency but who never should have worn tube socks. Neither should you. And no colored socks. I'm not racist. I just don't think there's a place at my party for colored socks. Colored socks are for geeks, nerds, and people who wear long pants to the beach while trolling for lost costume jewelry and Spanish doubloons with a metal detector. You can wear boat shoes or flip flops but then the socks are definitely out. Again, no drawing pity attention to yourself and away from the pitiful guest of honor. That would be me. But if you do the flip flops, make sure those nails are trimmed and free of fungi. Otherwise pretend you're Gisele Bundchen or Tom Brady and cover those bad boys up with UGG boots.
Any half-decent party planner knows how critical music is. For a good pity party there needs to be a mix of upbeat surfing ditties and not-quite-country "somebody stole my pick-up with my dog and my best friend passed out in the back" ballads. Music from the 60's to the 90's. The NINETEEN 60's. None of that classical waltz stuff from the 1860's. This is a pity party, not some bitchy princess' debutante ball. The only waltzing acceptable at this party would be by Matilda dancing with Crocodile Dundee. Or Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. I don't care, as long as there's a dancing Kangaroo.
Gifts: that "The best present is your presence" request for no gifts is bullshit. Anybody who tries to pull that lame ass stunt will immediately go on the party planner's email list to be bombarded with offers from the party planner to help you plan your own pity party. That's how sad it is for you to try and get away without springing for a gift. This is a pity party and nothing lifts the spirits of the pitied better than free crap. The more expensive, the higher the lift! Yes, there is a definite correlation between how cool and expensive your gift is and how happy you will make me for that fleeting moment between the time I open the gift and the instant reality bites and I realize how much my life sucks that I need material things to make me happy. Lots of material things. Or chocolate.
So keep your eye out for your own special e-vite. The first one will be a save-the-date request. The second will be an announcement of the time and place. The third, fourth, and fifth emails will be reminders to go online and order that honking big and/or expensive gift that will make you so happy because we all know it is better to give than receive. And if it needs batteries or a charger, don't be a tight-wad and pretend you didn't know. And don't go in on a gift, letting a buddy give the battery/charger. No. That is ONE complete gift, from one person. Unless you are a couple; it's okay for couples to give a gift together. A bigger, more expensive gift.