Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Whatever you do, don't answer the door

So I’m lazing around trying to get over this miserable cold I have, when someone comes a knockin’ on my door. I drag myself off the couch and answer the door to find two, dare I say elderly?, women standing there in the below-freezing cold, one with a Bible in her hands and the other with a folder full of God knows what. Ahhh. Tracts. A lighthouse beacon shines through the fever-induced fog in my head. The indomitable Jehovah’s Witnesses have come to invite me into their, uhh, community.

Don’t you sometimes want to just silence that little Emily Post voice in your head that reminds you to be nice to people no matter what? Don’t you sometimes just want to answer these people truthfully? But you can't bring yourself to do it. Not out loud, anyway. I mean they are, in their minds, representatives of Jehovah come to save my soul. At least that’s what I think they’re doing. Ya gotta give 'em credit for trying.

I’ve never actually held a REAL conversation with a Witness. I’ve had a lot of internal dialogue with them. Like “C’mon in and set a spell. Today’s your lucky day. Normally you wouldn’t get out of here alive but I’ve run out of places to hide the bodies.” Or how about “C’mon in and set a spell. I just got the slides back from my Las Vegas vacation. I can’t remember what I did there but I’m sure the slides will knock your socks off. And maybe we can figure out how I got that red mark...” Or “C’mon in and set a spell. I’m just waiting for my black and Latino and gay druid friends to get here so we can get on with our devil worshipping. We're having a pot luck dinner.”

No, instead I just give a little smile and say “I’m sorry. I’m not interested. Thanks anyway.”

You know, I’ve never actually allowed one of these folks into my home. I already know all I need to know to decide I DON’T want to be a Jehovah’s Witness. First, you have to get all dressed up and go around to strange neighborhoods trying to get others to join your little club. And then, worst of all, THEY DON’T CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS! How cruel is that? I’d rather repeat all twelve years of the sentence I did in Catholic schools than give up my birthday. What kind of way is that to raise your kids? Isn’t that sacrilegious or blasphemous or something? There oughta be a law.

Oh yeah. I decided to do a little research on the Jehovah’s Witnesses before writing this, so I went to their website. There’s some interesting stuff there. I’m not sure what it has to do with religion, but it’s interesting. And some of it is kinda gross. Like the article with this title/subtitle:
Protect Yourself From Parasites!
What are intestinal parasites, and how can you tell if you are playing host to these unwanted guests?

Then there’s an article about Medical Care and Blood. Apparently Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in or allow for blood transfusions. Now right there is a good reason not to join. If I had, I’d be dead.

Then there’s the uplifting notice that The Bulletin for Atomic Scientists has advanced their “Doomsday Clock” five minutes to 11:51 pm. That was in 1998. I checked the Bulletin and now it’s at 11:53 pm. So we’re two minutes closer to a nuclear holocaust. It’s a good thing they don’t give the day or year. That would take the fun out of waiting everyday to see if we’re going to make it past the monologue on the Tonight show. (Have you ever heard of The Bulletin for Atomic Scientists? Have you ever heard of the Doomsday Clock? Me neither. See what we’re missing?)

I think I’ll stay an indifferent recovering Catholic.

2 comments:

Hadathought said...

Love your blog name and enjoy reading your posts.

BKW said...

Thank you. Glad you're here!